Reflections – Otherwise known as staring at the mug in the mirror

I’ve decided to start writing down some of my own personal thoughts as a way to keep a journal of what I was thinking during the days.  Hope no one finds them too sentimental or sappy, but I probably will review them and think, “What was I thinking???”  Oh well, here it goes.

I’ve had quite a few people ask me how it is I’ve been able to change my life so suddenly and thoroughly in the wake of my self-inflicted diabetes and heart condition.  I always find it a somewhat funny question.  I often find myself thinking, “What would you do?  If someone held a gun to your head and said, ‘if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to die.’  Would you keep doing it?”  That’s how it feels to me.  I have a gun to my head, except I’m the one holding the trigger.  How can I NOT change?  I either make the decision that this is important to me, or I don’t.  Period.  I just decided very quickly that I don’t love my food or my lifestyle more than my life, and I’d give up anything if it meant more years to live.  That was one of the feelings that kept recurring in the emergency room.  How much I wanted to live, it had never meant so much to me before.  I truly didn’t want to leave those that I love behind just yet.  I guess you could say I was faced with my own mortality, and I surprised myself a little bit with how much I cared that my life continued.  I’d always thought that when my time came, I’d be able to accept it.  Maybe the truth is, I haven’t grown enough, or lived enough of my life, to be able to accept it at this point.  I’m really glad that I didn’t have too.

I’ve started attending a diabetes class at Kaiser.  The things that many of these people talk about sound ludicrous to me.  One man “can’t” exercise.  Another says he can’t give up guacamole, not fresh homemade stuff (which I could sort of understand), but the 4-gallon jug crap from CostCo!  I can’t believe it, that’s the one thing you’d die for???  Costco guac?  I sit in disbelief at the reservations some of these people have at making a lifestyle change that will, not could, will, save their lives.  I then realize something.  They haven’t been through what I have.  None of them had a 80-90% blockage of a major artery in their heart at 32.  For some of them, this is almost expected.  I feel a little grateful.  The way I received the information, I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  However, I’m not negotiating, trying to find easy ways to make this lifestyle change work.  My lifestyle goes out the door because it has too.  Instead of worrying about something years off like many of those around me, I got the information in reverse.  It didn’t go diabetes, which leads to heart disease.  It went heart disease, oh and by the way, you’re diabetic!  At least the message was loud and clear and wasn’t something I could negotiate with.  There is some small amount of gratitude in that.

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